300 words a day entry twelve keep the demons at bay with blame
I know how difficult it was for you to live in your head, and waking every morning to see if there was a letter from me…claustrophobic, weak, disconnected…but artistic, strong and better, too. Sometimes you were so perfect I thought there was no way you could be real, that I’d finally lost my marbles, gone off the deep end, that I was, in reality, rocking back and forth in a padded cell…and that’s your worse fear too, right? That they’ll finally see how not sane you are, and lock you away.
You’re not crazy.
But, I’m not a bottle of gin you can keep on a shelf, but maybe I’m an AA/NA sin you can think about when there’s nothing else to lay the blame on… and I don’t know who you think I am anymore. Maybe you want to keep me as close as an enemy, think you can’t trust me. But it’s yourself you can’t trust. And that’s sad. You shouldn’t be afraid of yourself, you’re amazing. You don’t need to go along at your age and define who you are, you know who you are…. Deep down inside you know that it was never the alcohol or the drugs that screwed you up, so much as it was running away from yourself and who you are … you can’t embrace your own chaos, it’s intimidating, so look at your ordered world…can you get more systematic? I’d hate to see you try…it sounds messy.